So you may have noticed that I have been missing for a while. In fact, I assume you checked yourself in to rehab to try to cope with the fact I haven’t posted anything for 3 weeks, in which case you have probably only just got clean again. Look at you on here already after only just coming out of rehab. Have you no self control? You make me sick.
No, don’t leave!
I missed you.
There, now we have got the soppy bit out of the way I shall tell you about where I have been: South Africa.
I did a little bit of volunteering over there and then a lot of relaxing.
This is pretty much the extent I will describe my holiday if you ask me in real life. I actually really hate talking about holidays/what I do over the weekend etc. I am quite happy to relay stories and interesting happenings when they occur naturally in conversation (or on the internet). But asking me “how was your holiday?” and expecting an answer more elaborate than “amazing thanks, I loved it” is futile I’m afraid. So I’m going to tell you only a few bits and bobs and you will nod and pretend it is interesting even if you don’t think it is, because we are good friends and those are apparently the rules.
For a more comprehensive story of what I actually did you can read my friends account of it. It’s her actual factual job to write about the travel adventures she gets to go on (because she is a lucky git) so go ahead and check it out. But first finish this one!
Also she used a really awesome picture I took of a shark breach, so that’s worth looking at even if the whole "reading" thing is too much for you after you're done here.
From the title of this blog and the fact I just casually mentioned a shark breach; you can probably guess that the volunteering I did was nothing to do with helping impoverished people or building new homes. Although after typing that sentence I feel like a bit of a shit for not doing those things. In a sense I guess I did help my fellow man; I helped them into a cage tied to the side of the boat while great white sharks swam below and then I closed that cage for 20 minutes.
I personally love sharks, they are mysterious and so graceful to watch. Not at all the blood thirsty monsters that movies make them out to be, obviously, because I spent a week with them and didn’t get nibbled once, nor did they seem at all interested in doing so. However, one thing that sharks do like to eat is a lovely juicy seal. The following story involves the death of a seal, so if you’re the sensitive type then man up, you loser, and keep reading. If it helps you can imagine that the seal was a Nazi sympathizer.
In fact, yes, I distinctly recall that the seal had a swastika tattoo on its neck, the bastard.
On my first day at sea I was lucky enough to witness a rare event; a young seal being caught by a shark mid-jump (here is a scientific word so you can show off later: Perdation – when prey is fed on by predator). The general reaction of the crew was “HELL YES! DID WE FILM THAT?!” and the general reaction of the customers was a stunned silence as they all stared at the now silent sea and mourned the loss of one of the worlds most evil seals. One woman gave a little whimper (she was next in the cage) and a little tear slid down her cheek.
Sharks: making the world a safer place
It was a quick death for the seal, one bite and it was over. I felt no great loss, because I don’t tend to attach full blown personal lives to most animals, like some people. One person who has this attribute is my very own mum, who after hearing the story, would later see a picture of a group of seals and say “somewhere in there a mum is looking for her baby”. As humans we tend to believe that everything thinks and feels as we do, provided it is cute and furry. Uncute animals often get dismissed as horrible and I'm not entirely innocent of it myself, I wouldn't kiss a blobfish.
Unless maybe I was super drunk
...or bored
So how would you feel if that had been a seagull? Considered one of the most irritating and obnoxious animals on the planet. Well I can tell you how you would feel because that happened a few days afterwards, only this time there was no quick death. You see, sharks will take a nip at birds sometimes because they are intrigued, but when they have it in their mouth they realise it tastes all feathery and beaky and leave it to its fate. Sharks are pretty big on texture, they probably wouldn’t like mushrooms.
So, to compare these situations; we have on one hand a fluffy little seal munched in one bite and on the other; a seagull left flightless and bleeding to death on a stormy sea. But the reaction when the seagull got nipped was a great cheer from all who saw it. A man who did not witness it asked me what happened and replied “at least it wasn’t a seal” when I informed him. Though he soon changed his mind about seals when we were down wind from them later on (seriously, try really hard to never smell a seal).
Preachy moment in 3…2…1…
My point is; if the seagull was fluffy instead of feathery the passengers would have been very sad to watch it suffer instead of indifferent or even gleeful. It is the exact same way people judge sharks. Do you know you are more likely to be killed by a coconut falling on your head than a shark? Or by a cow squishing you? Those things are both true, yet we don’t hate or fear coconuts and cows (generally; I’m not judging if you do).
So how about next time you see something you’re afraid of, you just picture it with fur and feel the fear leave you.
Unless it’s a bear because making it double furry won’t do you any sort of good. Just run man, RUN. Or are you supposed to pretend to be dead? You better Google that actually because I would feel guilty if you got eaten following some advice of mine.
But seriously, go swim with sharks.
P.S. I lied about not judging you, if you are afraid of coconuts then that’s really weird buddy.
