Jerkisms

Jerk-iz-uhm
Noun – the act of behaving in a jerk like manner.
adj – jerkistic                adv- jerkistically 

Synonym – doucheism

Since I started working (a.k.a sitting in a traffic jam twice a day, for an hour, in order to get to and from a place where I can earn enough money to pay for my petrol bill, which is so large due to sitting in traffic jams twice a day) I have started to notice how much I hate people.

No, not you. You are my favourite person.

I do not discriminate in my hatred, basically if you are in a car when I am also in my car, then I hate you and you should be very sorry indeed.

In driving, just like in the non-vehicle world, there are always a few jerks that seem to think they are above the rules that apply to the rest of us and they strive to push us law abiding folk to the limit. My own limit was reached earlier today when I missed my turnoff because some moron decided to get in the wrong lane and cut me up as I was turning off. 

Yes those are lasers coming from my eyes. That really happened.

I didn’t honk my horn at him because it is the most pathetic horn you will ever hear, it is more of a pleasant toot and it just sounds friendly no matter how hard I jab at it. Instead I thought I would get back at him on the internet by writing angry things and making him look foolish.

But then wouldn’t you know it; I went and became the jerk on my way home.

I was in a rush because I had an appointment at the hairdressers and I didn’t want to be late [Retrospect: I missed my Hep B vaccination the other day, I should probably get my priorities sorted] so I committed a huge jerkism and pushed in front of a whole queue of cars by using the second lane before it merged in to one road, this is a tactic solely reserved for selfish people. I could feel all the drivers’ hate lasers on the back of my head, but I just sat there knowing I was a special case and they would all feel awful if only they knew how bad my hair looked.

Then I thought, what if that moron from earlier was also late for his hair appointment? What if he had a wife in labour on the seat next to him? Was he rescuing a puppy strapped to a bomb that would detonate if he drove less than 50mph? Had I hate-lasered an innocent hero?

No. He was just a moron.

But still it got me thinking, are there times when being a jerk is really the right thing to do? I’m a nice person; I helped an old lady cross the road once so I’m set for life as far as karma is concerned. But sometimes being too nice can be a problem. Like this little story that happened earlier this year:

During my final year project at university, I spent every single day at the library. One day I decided to just take the library home with me instead.

 

WARNING! Exaggeration in place!

(because in real life you couldn't even see my legs)

Clearly navigating doors was a bit tricky, but I had managed by using my wits (dropping the books and picking them back up while holding the door open with my bum). The final stage was opening a door in the courtyard that led to freedom. Unfortunately some Good Samaritan happened to see me with my haul and held the door open for me.

That’s nice right?

WRONG.

I was absolutely ages away from the door at the time, at least 20 steps, meaning I had to do that stupid slow motion run that conveys the message: “Oh my gosh, thank you so much for holding the door for me, it means ever so much, I understand what a burden that door is for you so allow me to run to it lest your arm should begin to ache, since I am the very reason you are undertaking that Herculean task in the first place”

I’m not the most co-ordinated runner, once I jogged three steps to my car and managed to headbutt my bonnet because my left ankle bent on the first step, the right ankle bent on the second and both knees hit the ground on the third. So you can imagine what me running with a stack of books is like.

Did I mention it was raining? It was. A lot.

I don’t need to relive the memory of me stumbling bambi-like for a few steps before the inevitable happened, so I’m going to skip ahead to the bit where all my books were lying in a puddle and I was picking them all up with a bleeding knee.

Even though this man tried to do the right thing, he managed to do it wrong. Thus achieving an accidental jerkism. He probably felt terrible about it afterwards, because he is not a jerk, if he was then he would have just left the door closed to begin with and I would not have had beautiful green bruising all up my leg for the following week. In that scenario, a true jerk would have been preferable. Maybe people should start being a bit jerkier and let people open their own doors! Why must we go out of our way to clear the path for complete strangers? Who are these fools that make people run to gain entrance in to a building that they are perfectly capable of manoeuvring in to themselves? Jerks, that's who.

But wouldn’t you know it; I made an old lady run for the door that very same week.