Reasons why I am not a grownup

The last few weeks I have been having a bit of a freak out, mostly I’ve kept it to myself, but the fact is I appear to be growing up and it is terrifying. Everything seems to be going well for me, I have a job which could turn into a career, I like a man who isn’t gay for once and yes I am still living with my parents, but it’s got to the point where I actually like it now.

So to calm myself down I decided there are certain things a person needs before they can claim to be a real, honest-to-goodness adult. Hopefully I will never achieve them all.

Own a pet without killing it  (should probably aim to achieve this one)

Now I’m the sort of person who will sometimes forget to feed myself if I’m busy (aka playing video games), or even if I’m not busy actually, once I was trying to throw cards into a hat and 4 hours of my life just vanished. Needless to say as a child I got through a few animals. Some didn’t even belong to me; I dropped my best friend’s hamster down the stairs and it started doing back flips while screaming, it died fairly soon after that. Other notable snuffs include my rabbit freezing to death and not noticing my hamster had died until a friend picked it up and informed me. Since I was only a child, I tell people these stories and they just laugh at my adorably childish neglect.

But can you imagine if I told you these incidents happened last week to somebody in their 20’s? You’d stare at me in horror before we lapsed into awkward silence and you pretended to get a phone call (or made a real one to the RSPCA).

I have made progress with this one actually, I appear to own an indestructible fish. I clean the bowl when I can no longer see him inside, yet there he is day after day, living.

 Got a few weeks left yet Fishtopher. 

 

Hang up on telesales people

I see my parents do this all the time; they cut them off with a “no” and hang up.

I am incapable of doing this.

A couple of weeks ago I ordered a new mobile phone, 5 minute conversation for a normal person. My phone record says I was on the phone for 26 minutes 57 seconds. The reason I know this is because I was charged £11.36 for it. I actually paid money to listen to a woman tell me a bunch of random offers I already told her I didn’t want, but the silver tongued witch just kept on going, how could I stop her?! By being a grownup that’s how. Instead I sat there playing solitaire while she rattled on about charges overseas. You see, in an attempt to shut her up I had told this lady that all my family and friends lived abroad and I was the only one in England, I really only needed the phone for work. She told me there were many offers for contacting my family abroad; I weakly whispered “skype” down the phone before giving in and hearing her out for 20 minutes. 

Understand taxes and other such nonsense

There is no humour to be pulled out of this situation, it is all just awful. I learnt about council tax last year and almost cried. 

Converse with people older than you

I don’t mean a few years above, I’m talking decades. As a teenager there is nothing I hated more than being introduced to friends of my parents, we had nothing in common, unless they were going to drive me somewhere or give me free drinks that is. Now I can chat away happily about petrol prices and the weather without irony. I used to overhear adults talking about these things in the pub and think how bored they must be. Now I overhear them and turn back to my friends to ask them for their opinion on the NHS cutbacks.

Oh my gosh I was just serious for an entire paragraph. Let’s move on quickly.

Converse with people younger than you

Right! This is where I feel I will always be at a loss. As hard as it was as a teenager to talk to adults, there is nothing compared to the torture of trying to talk to miniature sub-humans who converse in squeaks and grunts. Yes, I am talking about pre-teens. Babies I can deal with, you just rip a bit of paper and it will amuse them for hours. I actually enjoy doing things babies do; playing with soft toys? Yes please. Taking naps in the middle of the day? Count me in. Eating mushy things without the need to chew? Why am I not doing that right now!?

But those weird ages between 8 to14, I don’t understand anything about them. I can’t even remember being that age apart from being fully aware that I was annoying the entire time. Yet adults used to try and speak to me. If I even see a child in that age range I will cross the road and turn my music up so that I don’t have to hear those squeaky little voices that make my brain ache.

Greet strangers when out walking

This is a minor thing, but something that I always equate with being an adult. You see it when walking the dog and strolling along in the countryside or abroad. It is the simple “hello” alongside a tiny wave or nod. It lets other adults know you are one of them, the secret handshake of the adult kingdom.

I simply cannot master it.

A few weeks ago I was out walking with a man friend who noticed my shortcomings in this department. I endeavoured to prove him wrong by pulling off the perfect hello-wave to the next person we came across. Unfortunately I was a bit over excited at the prospect and ended up waving a little bit too early.

Ok it was way too early.

I couldn’t exactly stop waving and re-wave when we got closer so I had to commit. Sadly I over compensated with my face, which got dementedly more happy as we got closer. The unfortunate man was greeted with a face akin to this:

Can you imagine that face walking towards you for 20 seconds? Naturally he did not return the wave; he probably thought I was an axe-murderer. Instead he looked very confused and stared at his feet, left with a deep sense of unease.

Mission not quite accomplished.

Quit damaging things in stupid ways

I am a clumsy person, a lot of people do not realise it because I’m good at hiding it. But I fall down all the time, drop things and kick drinks across the room. Once I achieved all three at once, I had spaghetti hoops up my wall and orange juice in a plug socket that day.

But I can’t help my balance, that’s just me.

The moments I’m referring too are the crazy moments of thoughtlessness that attack me every so often. Like last week when I thought it was a good idea to climb barbed wire with my new phone in my mouth, scratching the screen on the second day of owning it. All because there were cows in the next field and I wanted to try and get near to them.

Or the time I was jumping on my bed with a samurai sword and chipped my cupboard a little bit while re-enacting the house of blue leaves scene from Kill Bill.

More recently while camping I wondered aloud why it is cartoon characters warm their bums by the fire so often; when your bum is rarely the thing you’re concerned about being cold. Naturally I then put my bum near the fire to see what the fuss was about. Too close it would seem. Now I have a singed dress and a bum cheek that will never trust me again.

There were a few more things, but I feel I could ramble for hours on the subject and wouldn’t want to ruin the internet.

I’m feeling calmer now I realise how far away I am from being in that scary state of adulthood, I played hide and seek with my dog only 2 days ago and ate icecream for breakfast. I think I’m safe for now.