As is the way with many of the royalty in a fairytale, the princess had only one remaining parent for some reason or other. Normally one would not address the exact reasoning and chose to let you simply ignore the absence of one parent, but this particular storyteller believes in honesty; so let us say in this case it was because the Queen had been brutally murdered by trolls2 while out for a walk one evening. The King was concerned for his beautiful daughter; he was growing old and knew he would not be around to protect her for many more years. His concern derived from the Princesses increasing age, at seventeen she was almost an old maid and would soon lose her good looks and youthful vigour. As such the King decided to find her a suitable husband at once and called upon his personal sorceress, Faye C. Booke, to search far and wide for a prince who could give her a comfortable living once her younger brother took over as King3.
The King pondered over the fate of his young son while he awaited results. He was a brave prince no doubt, always regaling his father with stories of princesses and damsels he had rescued. Why, just recently he had sent word to his father that he had rescued twins! In his letter the Prince described how the twins had rewarded him by revealing their huge pearls, which they inherited from their mother and kept contained within their personal chests. The King was very proud of his son for showing such respect for the girls that he only handled the pearls for a short while before taking his leave, though the King was left baffled as to why the father of the girls banished the Prince from his home very soon after, a poor way to repay such chivalry and honour. In fact a lot of palaces had banished his son all over the country….
Before the King could delve into this thought much further Faye C. Book returned with her results and he snapped out of his revere. The King quickly began to judge the potential mates by reviewing the scrolls Faye provided, these contained public information about each prince that should actually be kept private and also included a tiny sketched portrait in each corner. The two set about arranging a grand ball, to which they could invite all the eligible princes and therefore determine who would make the most attractive grandchildren with the Princess. Since many of the sketches were just of the prince’s abs and were probably several years old and edited, to see them in person would be the best way to select a suitable husband. Also, should the Princess find love and happiness with the chosen prince then that would be an advantage too, shrugged the King as an afterthought.
Meanwhile in the stables the Princess was practising her martial arts on the stable boy, Jake. Inevitably, as this is a fairytale, Jake was completely devoted to the Princess. Every roundhouse kick felt like the breath of an angel on his bloodied skin, every rabbit punch left an agonising bruise of love on his battered organs and every split lip send dribblings of adoration splashing to the floor5. Luckily for Jake, he was part elf and therefore healed remarkably quickly. This was also lucky for the Princess as she practiced thrice daily and liked to be consistent in sparring partners, because she was precious and hated killing stable boys when she didn’t have to.
Jake had been building up the courage to tell the Princess how he felt for some time; he knew it would only be a matter of time before she was betroved to another, worthier man. Just as Jake opened his mouth to spill forth the words of love bubbling up within him, the King’s summoner arrived at the stable door and beseeched the Princess to follow him up to the castle to discuss a matter of great importance with her father. The Princess thanked Jake for his time6 and floated away after the summoner like the feather of a dove, drifting on a gentle breeze.
That evening word spread around the Kingdom that a great masked ball was planned for the following night and all the eligible princes had been invited. Jake knew that he would have to do something drastic to win the Princess’s heart and began to flounder, unsure of how to progress. Suddenly a loud crack tore through the air and smoke filled the room. Upon the smoke clearing, a small cloaked man could be seen standing in the middle of the room, coughing slightly7. The old man claimed to be capable of sensing the deepest wishes of a person’s heart and had heard Jakes broken heart crying out for miles around. He offered Jake the chance to become a prince for one night only and in exchange Jake would have to give the old man something he desired at a later date, something Jake wouldn’t be able to refuse to give or even see coming. Jake agreed short-sightedly and shook hands with the old man, upon releasing the handshake the old man vanished in to thin air, where the old man once stood now lay a tattered piece of paper. Jake picked it up and noticed it was a coupon for a free handsome prince outfit and mask from the store down the road. The plan was in motion.
The next night Jake entered the ballroom in his disguise and instantly spotted the luminescent Princess, surrounded by a gaggle of princes all vying for her attention. Their eyes met across the ballroom and in that instant it seemed as though the Earth shifted, gravity itself altered and conspired to pull the lovers together. Jake offered his hand to the Princess and she graciously accepted. They twirled about the dance floor in sparks of glory, never breaking eye contact for a moment. It wasn’t creepy or awkward though because they were in love. By the time the dance was over Jake knew that he and the Princess were destined to be and now he knew she felt the same. Suddenly the clock struck midnight, their dance had somehow lasted three hours! Time was almost over for Jake; he would have to return his costume in the next fifteen minutes or have to pay a late fee8. Feeling the wrench of a great night ending too soon, Jake kissed the Princess’s hand and promised her he would be in contact as soon as he was able. The Princess gave him her handkerchief as a token of her lasting affection and wept as he tore out of the ballroom as fast as his legs would carry him, which was pretty quick considering the Princess had shattered his left femur that morning.
The next morning the mysterious prince with the cheap looking outfit was the talk of the town! The townsfolk were atwitter with how in love the young couple had seemed during their short time together. The King however, did not approve of this match, the prince had not asked his permission for the dance, plus he had a distinct odour of the lower class about him which the King simply could not abide. During the ball the King had sought out the richest prince in attendance, Prince Dooshay, and begged of him to take his daughters hand. The Prince agreed, for he had nothing else going on that weekend. The wedding was to take place at once! Even the girlish and delicate attempt at a protest by the love struck Princess failed to sway his stubborn hand9. The wedding was going ahead, with or without her consent.
Jake was in the stables awaiting the Princess for practice, he was going to come clean about the mysterious prince’s identity and ask her to run away with him, where they would be free of her royal duties and dominating father. Suddenly the King’s herald interrupted Jake’s happy thoughts of youthful rebellion to announce the Princess’s imminent marriage to Prince Dooshay. Jake’s world was plunged into darkness and he fell to his knees in agony. The horses in the stable told Jake that he should buck up and go to his love regardless. It is better to aim and miss than never take the shot, said one particularly wise donkey10, Jake gave them all an extra carrot as a thank you and made his way up to stop the wedding ceremony!
The ceremony was taking place in the castle chapel and was already well underway. Security was lacking and so Jake managed to get in without any trouble at all, it was dark in the chapel due to the windows being boarded up for some reason. But the Princess and King immediately recognised the figure of the mysterious prince the night before. Prince Dooshay didn’t react at all because he was staring at his own beautiful face reflected in the shiny surface of a candlestick. The King demanded that the strange prince should step forward into the candle light, that they may all know his face. As Jake stepped forward the whole room seemed to draw breath, the candle glow lit upon his face and the King laughed. He questioned Jake imperiously why he thought he, a disgusting stable boy, had any right to marry his one and only daughter, who was without question the most beautiful creature to ever delight upon the Kingdom. Jake responded that he knew only of the love in his heart and the truth in his devotion, he proclaimed that should the Princess lower herself to marry him then they would have all the riches in the world, for what is money when one can have love? Jake turned his attention to the Princess, knelt in front of her and asked her if she could ever love one so unworthy of her station?
She stared down upon him with a shocked expression all over her stunning porcelain face. Her lips trembled and tears welled in her shimmering eyes. Then slowly, ever so slowly, the Princess nodded her head once.
It was a signal to the guards to arrest the intruder. The Princess went forward with her wedding to Dooshay because she was a princess after all, how could she marry a stable boy and live in poverty? Jake was hauled to the cells for breaking into the castle on two occasions, impersonating a member of the royal family and stealing extra carrots from the kitchen. He was sentenced to 25 years in jail for his crimes and silently accepted his fate, because he had in his possesion one thing that would keep him sane throughout his many years of tormented imprisonment; a love token in the form of a handkerchief, which retained the happiest memories of his life, from a night which now seemed a distant memory. When Jake looked at the handkercheif he could see her face, her smile, her soul.
Of course, the very next day the old man appeared and claimed to desire the handkerchief above all else. Jake should have seen that one coming.
The end.11
1 Very little work got done actually, though professional choreographers did very well for themselves. Good news for people who studied the arts at university.
2 Not all trolls are evil, these three in particular; Brutus, Boggrot and Tim, were raised in a single parent home just outside of the magic kingdom and their alcoholic father often gambled away the food money (provided by the taxpayers). They were simply a product of the time. Unfortunately for them the Queen had only an expired Lotto scratchcard on her, so it was really a waste of time. All three were under 15 moons old though, so they just got a slap on the wrist and were sent on their way.
3 Naturally when the King dies the crown would go to his son, for who has ever heard of a woman controlling a kingdom? Such a notion is laughable at best; the King would often make jokes about how once the month the Kingdom would fall into disarray and all the chocolate would vanish over night. Nobody really ever found his jokes funny, but everybody laughed anyway. You try not laughing when a king makes a joke.
4 is missing ok? Don't go on about it.
5 Also blood. There was quite a lot of blood.
6 At least that is what it sounded like; it was hard for Jake to hear with blood coming out of his ears.
7 He made a mental note to be less flashy next time and maybe just use the front door. This was a recession after all and smoke machines are not cheap.
8 The local shop had really strange opening times because it was run by a vampire, but that is a whole different story.
9 She had loped off the heads of six of his security team upon hearing the news, and then thrown the heads through the stained glass windows of the castle chapel, all the while screaming like a wounded banshee.
10 Did I forget to mention that animals can talk here? They can and do. Vegetarianism is very popular; you have to be a monster to eat even a fish in this place. Everybody is quite small and weak due to the lack of protein. I don’t care what you say; quorn or tofu are just not good replacements.
11 Don't be too depressed though, the conditions in the jail were so bad it made ebola seem like a tickle fight. Jake wouldn't have lasted until the end of his prison sentence. So really it was less than 25 years. You feel better now yes?
Another well written blog that was realistic (at least as realistic as you can make a fairytail) with some poignant and dark humour in places I did really enjoy reading this. Thanks for all the time and effort that you have put in as it was a nice chilled out read on a Sunday afternoon :-)
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