The Background Character

I was watching a Disney movie the other night in order to make myself content and sleepy, but instead I found myself left in a state of wide-eyed horror upon the “happy ending” that I usually find so cheerful (and occasionally have a joyful little weep about).

Clearly I was in a bit of an observant/morbid mood because for the entire film I had started to contemplate the world outside of the main protagonist’s storyline; what was the economy like? Were there jobs besides being royalty or a peasant? What age did they have to work to until they could get a pension? Was it a requirement to become evil if you happened to be born ugly? It seems that for life outside of the main plot, things are not quite so rosy.

I applied a bit of thought to this and decided that the unhappy ending is part of a much larger phenomenon and not just found within this one film, because in (mostly) every movie there would be a horrendous outcome for at least 50% of the poor sods who aren’t attractive enough or evil enough to be a main character. You’re safest if you’re a cute animal, because by my calculations they have a 97% chance of survival.

Maths.

“But good guys are supposed to win and the baddies get defeated, probably even murdered in some way” I hear you shout, outraged at my lack of joy for the beautiful people. Well, to that I say, you are a fool! Because us normal people who do not look like Angelina Jolie and Hugh Jackman would not be the ones getting to shack up with the hunky prince or hot blonde at the end, we would be the people cleaning up the messes they made by exploding our houses, flipping our cars over and making us late for work. Can you imagine the cost of insurance in the Transformers universe?

“I’m standing on your what? Your family? Oh shit…sorry. But I totally saved the world so… you’re welcome.”

With that in mind, I took it upon myself to become the voice for one of the people affected in the movie I watched. As a fun game you can guess what it is (or a boring game, I don’t know what you like doing, is that fun for you? Maybe it isn’t exciting enough? Ok, I’ll make it more dangerous, the floor is also lava.) I have done about a dozen of these in my head, but I’ll just give you the one since we are both new at this game and have yet to decide if we like it (did you burn your feet on the lava? I bet you did.)

Here it goes:

July 20^th 1741

Dear Diary

I started my new job today! Came just in time because Julia is pregnant so we need to start saving up for the little one. It is only polishing the tables after dinner is over, but guess where it is? A castle! I didn’t even know we had one near us to be honest, it’s a pretty small town, but there is a freaking castle in the woods! I had no idea. The boss is a bit of a jerk as far as I can tell, I haven’t met him yet but everybody else complains about him constantly. Despite that I can only see good things ahead! I might even burst into a little song about it, I’m sure other people will join in.

July 29^th 1741

Dear Diary

Well, I am a fucking napkin. Seriously. I am now a napkin. I have no other details right now.

July 30^th 1741

Dear Diary

It turns out it’s the boss's fault, we all met in the ballroom for an emergency conference. Looked like a goddamn furniture sale in there. The boss looks pretty kick-ass considering he is supposed to be suffering the most, as far as I can tell he has superhero powers, looks like he could take on a pack of wolves. Apparently he insulted some fairy or something, why she felt the need to turn all 450 staff members into prisoners is beyond me. I want to go home.

August 4^th 1741

I can’t go home, I am a napkin. I tried to leave and blew into a bush. I was in that bush for 3 days before a footstool found me and carried me inside. I can only hold out hope that the curse will be broken. For now I will try to fill my life with work to pass the time. 

1742

Time moves slow when one has no need to eat, sleep, drink, respire or even blink. I spend my days folded in a drawer or folded on a table. Though I am really good at folding now, I can do a swan.

1748

I forget what date it is, I forgot how to write for a while there. I believed I was an actual napkin until somebody said my name last week: Nigel. My name is Nigel.
I wonder how my child is getting on without me? I wonder if my wife remarried? Do they think I abandoned them?

1748
A teacup told me there is a girl in the castle. We are all very excited. She is the only person ever to come to this castle so I am confident she is meant to break the curse.
It seems odd to me that this castle is so secluded actually; does boss have no family or royal business to attend to? How has this place gone unnoticed for so long?

We sang a song to the girl. I forgot what humans looked like, with differing facal features and stuff.  I wonder if I will have aged when I turn back in to a man?
I feel really pleased with myself. After years of doing nothing I did a little twirl next to the punch bowl during the musical number and I really nailed it, the clock told me “good show” as I passed by afterwards.Tracey thought he was talking to her but he so wasn't.

1748- later on
WHAT! WHAT!? THE BASTARD LET HER LEAVE. WE ARE ALL ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGED. HIS EXCUSE? “I HAD TO”.  DOES HE NOT CARE ABOUT US AT ALL?

I’m going to smother him in his sleep.

1748- the same day

Oh. Now there is a mob coming to destroy us. I welcome them. I only hope to take a few of them out with me. Nigel the napkin will not go gently into that good night.

1748

  

1752

I have only just regained the ability to write. Good news: the curse was broken. Bad news: I was in a drawer with 12 other people when it happened, only 3 of us got out alive, each with incredibly severe spinal injuries. I look like a question mark. The prince has given us compensation for our troubles (after a fierce legal battle) and I am looking to move away to forget my pain and the family who gave up on me.

I’m thinking somewhere exotic like Agrabah, nothing ever happens there.

Wow, I have bummed myself out with that one. You too huh? I’ll make it up to you. Here is my dog to give you a kiss.

D'awwwww